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Life, success, purpose

How To Measure Success

Disclaimer:

This is my blog. my journal. mine. so whatever you read here are based on my own definitions & thoughts. if you don't agree, that's what comments are for. if u really feel u don't really agree, then shut up. hehehe... martial law eto :)

Aalright, right now, let's define the word success, which as you know, is complicated. to subjectively look at it will make things more complicated. and i suck in dealing with intricate matters. for me, it's mind-boggling. you can either measure it through quantity or quality, depending on how you define that word. go on, as you please.

Success (in quantity) means how much is your salary, your position in the company (could be both considered quantity/quality). and oh, i shouldn't forget this: you get to buy a lot of things (not from UK), then that makes you successful.

Success (as quality), if you have subordinates, if you have people calling you "boss"... if whenever you feel like eating, then you can just buy it anytime you want.

Ughhh... why spend so much time deciphering this matter when i could just simply close my eyes & shut up? how difficult is it to be happy & contented?

I know my definitions may appear shallow and distorted, but how else can i define it? optimism is not my style. may be i was born a pessimist or may be i'm just entering into that realm of uncertainty that i can use as an excuse of how poor i look at it.

That's why recently, i've been trying to make myself happy. well, more of convincing myself that i am happy. i've been going out with some of my officemates (at least every other weekend). trying to convince myself that there's a far more complicated world outside my world. and that challenges are just part of everyone's life. and that you can't get rid of it.

Can you imagine how a small ant struggles to keep afloat a rushing flood? trying to be alive. trying to survive. that's how i see myself... a small ant. the ant's survival may be scarce, but may be, that ant can survive. or can not survive. either way, i had my chance of living a life. although not enough to say that i have lived it to the fullest.

Then why do i have to define myself? why do i have to struggle to survive? why do i have to live? what's my purpose in life? coz this is no joke! i'm getting suffocated of the thought that i haven't yet determined what exactly life means. i don't want to age, but not having tasted success, however you define it.

The irony though, no matter how i wanted to grow up, i still would want that child in me to remain. coz that child doesn't worry about life. that child doesn't worry about earning a living. that child doesn't have to worry about heartaches. that child doesn't know about envy, anger, etc. that child is innocent.

Hmm... but then may be, I have a purpose, something that I still have to find out.

               Pretending is an art that's second nature with me, 

               but don't be fooled,

               for God's sake don't be fooled.

               I give you the impression that I'm secure,

               that all is sunny and unruffled with me, within as well

                    as without,

               that confidence is my name and coolness my game,

               that the water's calm and I'm in command

               and that I need no one,

               but don't believe me.

               My surface may seem smooth but my surface is my mask,

               ever-varying and ever-concealing.

               Beneath lies no complacence.

               Beneath lies confusion, and fear, and aloneness.

               But I hide this.  I don't want anybody to know it.

               I panic at the thought of my weakness exposed.

               That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind,

               a nonchalant sophisticated facade,

               to help me pretend,

               to shield me from the glance that knows.

something to reflect about

 

I have read from somewhere that seeking someone else's advice is nothing but just some sort of confirming what you want to do. That, for me, is deception, and may be a waste of time. Yet, it is still something that I would opt to do, perhaps, just to  rationalize my decision, and justify the result.

I'd say deception because when you ask for a piece of advice, you actually already know what you want,, but you just basically need someone to contest what you want... and yet, you end up doing just what you want. Hmmm... very redundant, bottomline is it's still you who has to decide.

And so, waiting for the entire process to end is indeed a waste of time.

But then again, I think it's fine. You don't have to blame yourself alone if you falter because you have just dragged someone with you to share the blame, regrets... blah blah blah... question is: does anyone care? Geez...

=====

oh, what about this picture? isn't it great? very meaningful and touching. few words but it shows a lot about how people should live life. it's about faith in that SOMEONE. it's about sacrifice. about love.

and speaking of faith... how can you differentiate having faith from believing someone? may be not really a tricky question. i attended mass before. Gospel was all about faith, but i can't exactly remember what the priest said. I was, most probably, sleepy that time as usual.

maybe faith got something to do with invisibility. hehe... and believe, a verb which means to consider to be true or honest or to to accept the word or evidence of (courtesy of AOL KW:dictionary). hmm... why do i even have to bother thinking about it? basta. may be it's all about what true, what's real, what's visible (or invisible). watever.

Isa akong BAKLA ;)

[Chorus:]
I'm not a girl,
Not yet a woman.
All I need is time,
A moment that is mine,
While I'm in between.

isn't this familiar? u bet. not much of Britney's fan but this song has some sense. at least, for me. do u know about the so-called "quarter-life-crisis?"

a quarter is one fourth of a whole. or 25%. assuming that i will reach 100yrs in this lifetime, that means i have 2 more yrs before my 25th bday. hmm... is it amazing? i mean, the way how people count their days on earth.

but it's besides my point. point is i don't feel like i'm mature already to call myself a woman. but i can't call myself a girl still because at this very point in my life, i know how to discern right from wrong (in some situations). and i can decide for myself (in again, some cases).

so i know i deserve a credit for being independent. i know i deserve a pat on my back being 50% mature to handle my life.

my father told me once, life isn't a race. i'm still young. got lot of things to learn. life isn't easy. just have to strive hard and be patient. ok... so i have to be patient. and to be patient, that means i have to wait. but for how long? a smart individual knows how long he's got to be patient. i'm not trying to be a smartass. i'm trying to be smart coz bottomline is, i am on my own. no one can help me but me.

= = = =

by the way, got this email from a friend. nice article to reflect on.

It's FUN being a GIRL...but being a WOMAN is even BETTER!!! Ü

A Girl sees her imperfections. A Woman celebrates her uniqueness.

A Girl looks in the mirror & obsesses about what's wrong with her. A Woman checkd her reflection to confirm the fact that she's looking her best. A Girl piles on makeup to hide her flaws; a Woman accentuates her best assets. Girls will ask how they look every 5 mins. Women are smart enough to know when it truly matters. Girls need to have every guy like them, even if they don't like him. Women are suspicious of, & have no need form excessive flattery. A Girl will ride on & copy every fashion trend that comes along. A Woman already has her own personal style that she merely improves on with what's new.

A Girl lives only for love. A Woman lives her own life even when in love.

A Girl leaves her schedule wide open & waits for a guy to call & make plans. A Woman makes her own plans, & if a guy calls, fits him into her plans if she can. Girls freak out if biys don't return a phone call. Women are too busy to realize they hadn't. Girls get into catfights to get a guy. Women stand back & let the guy do the choosing, knowing that if he's smart, she will be picked. Girls want to control the men in their lives. Women know that if he's truly hers, he doesn't need controlling. Girls try to monopolize all their man's time. Women know that a little bit of space makes 'together time' even more special!

A Girl dreams. A Woman makes it happen.

A Girl builds on the perfect image of success in her head. A Woman can't wait to get there, & acts today to get 1 step closer to her goals. When faced with failure, Girls blame everyone but themselves for their shortcomings. Women own up to their mistakes & work to fix them. When asking for what they want, Girls expect others to read their minds. Women know that if they wait for you to ask, you might never get around to doing it. When faced with difficult tasks, Girls will need rescuing. Women discern that it's time to step up & be the hero. A Girl will rest on her laurels. A Woman will top what she just accomplished by challenging herself to be better.

A Girl creates the drama that a Woman hates.

Girls are excitable & easily bored. Women long for the humdrum to cap off their hectic day. Girls gimmick to paint the town red & meet new, exciting people. Women do so to touch base with friends over dinner & a nightcap. Girls make mountains out of molehills. Women have better things to do with their time. Girls fan the flames of controversies. Women douse the unnecessary drama. Girls speak badly of other girls behind their backs. Women don't feel threatened by other women & even sincerely compliment other women themselves. Girls gossip so they are in the loop. Women find other ways to bond with friends without hurting other people's feelings.

I can't believe I wrote this

Prechell G. Casing

November 22, 2004

Youngblood

What lies ahead…

Of the ten million jobs Pres. Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo promised in her   10-point pro-poor agenda, how many of those would be available for development communication students?  Or a more basic and simpler question to ask, will the devcom graduates be able to work right after graduation?

It is always assumed that graduating students will hunt for jobs after receiving their diplomas to either make use of their course or to help their own families in their finances, the latter being the primary reason.

However, in evaluating the present employment rate in the Philippines, only 31.6 million have work as of July this year with a meager increase of 5.7 percent employed persons in the agricultural sector.

Is the meager increase a sign of improvement?

The unemployment rate, on the other hand, was estimated at 11.7percent or slightly more than two million individuals with around 46.6 percent of them aged 15-24 years old.

Indeed, the figures speak that there are more employed than unemployed persons.  Yet, it is only limited to telling as such without elaborating the real score.  Some of them may have work but are underemployed with salaries that are insufficient to enable them and their families to live decently.

Improvement is defined as the act of improving; advancement or growth; promotion in desirable qualities; progress toward what is better.  The comparison of the figures does not support such definition of improvement.

There remains the sad fact that the minute growth in the employment rate does not guarantee the incoming graduates of better jobs or at least a job.

What then would be the possible scenario if this school year’s senior students graduate?

The two-million-record will surely increase by some percent.  That is if the government would fail to provide what it had promised to fulfill.

So what would then be the future of the potential development workers?  What is in store for them?

A development communication teacher in a university was saddened when she met one of her former students who is now studying nursing in another university.  She asked her why she decided to do so.  The student replied:  “I am planning to have a family of my own.  I want to feed them and give them decent lives.”

Such dialogue shows the insecurities that some devcom students have with the course they had chosen to tread.  They are uncertain if they will be able to find many opportunities that will provide justification for the four years (or more) that they spend in college.

All of us do dream of living better lives.  Who else do not?

Many of these devcom students dream of living as such that is why they are in search of that greener pasture.  That is also why many of them want to join the exodus heading to foreign continents, the Filipino Diaspora.

They think Mang Juan could no longer provide the fulfillment of their dreams and so, off they went to Uncle Sam to ask for the same favor.

Yet, what they do not seem to see is the other alternative other than leaving the country. 

The pathetic situation of the Philippines and its immediate localities alone posts a lot of job vacancies. The Philippines, in fact, is highly in need of development workers that will help the country to lift itself from the mire, from poverty. 

It is in need of solid work force to obtain what it hopes of a developed Philippines – a work which is very devcom. 

Of the ten million jobs that Arroyo said, there is more to it for devcom students.  Mang Juan is more in need of them than Uncle Sam.

# # #

i was just checking my mails in yahoo when i saw this stored under my draft folder. i found it so strange that i was able to write this before. not because it was written in at least more organize manner, but because i just found it not-so-me. this piece makes sense & it means a lot to me coz it signifies the me before, of who i used to be -- a person of content. if you've been reading my entries recently, you'll notice the huge difference. it's like reading the thought of two different persons. multi-personality disorder. toinks! hehe... nice try :)

i received an easter egg

hmm... i'm thinking how to get started. gee... such a lousy brain. just done w/ my shift so expect this to happen. well, i dunno. not in the mood to write but i wanna write (?) i don't get it either.

hmm... lemme think. special things that happened to me these past few days? i went home last 15th to attend my sis' graduation. i'm happy for her, but at the same time kinda worried coz she's now has to worry about finding a job. i trust her to find one. my sis is smart, mana sa ako. even smarter coz she's confident & a people person, which am not. i am, but not much. anyway, she's a grown up & finding work after school is normal, so i know she can take care of that herself. i don't want her to be like me who, until now, doesn't know what i want to happen in my life. i got plans, but i'm too lazy to make them happen. in fairness to myself though, it's never easy to say i don't like my work, i wanna resign & get a new job right away. life is such as complicated as others say it's simple. ironic, i know.

- - - - -

on a positive note, aside from being happy that my sis is done with her studies, i was also glad to have a reunion with my bestfriends, Carenne & Twit2x. we haven't seen each other since i left cdo almost 2yrs ago. Ca is now officially a nurse. Twit is a plant manager in Davao. I'm so proud of them. kahilak sad tag gold. hehehe...seriously, i'm happy for them. urghhh... basta ako, il make sure before i reach 30 na kasabot nako sa akong gusto sa kinabuhi. i want a definite career (ey, dat sounds boring) but... ambot oi. kapoi huna-huna what to do. que sera sera... whatever will be, will be. mediocre! one thing's for sure, i don't wanna work in a call center again.

- - - - -

i enjoyed my very short stay sa balay. when i went back to work, i got my CITE form from my sup coz i "decided" to go absent from work for a day. dats an overshare but getting that violation for having spent another day with my family is worth it. at this time, i have less interest in maintaining my stats. working in a call center as an agent is never a career for me. i can't see myself taking in calls for the rest of my life. no way! il be damned if i will.

- - - - -

this was the song i was listening to while i was typing this entry... sawi na sad nga kanta.. hehehe.. :

Teardrops On My Guitar lyrics

Drew looks at me, I fake a smile so he won't see
That I want and I'm needing everything that we should be
I'll bet she's beautiful, that girl he talks about
And she's got everything that I have to live without

Drew talks to me, I laugh cause it's so damn funny
That I can't even see anyone when he's with me
He says he's so in love, he's finally got it right,
I wonder if he knows he's all I think about at night

[Chorus:]

He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star
He's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do

Drew walks by me, can he tell that I can't breathe?
And there he goes, so perfectly,
The kind of flawless I wish I could be
She'd better hold him tight, give him all her love
Look in those beautiful eyes and know she's lucky cause

[Repeat Chorus]

So I drive home alone, as I turn out the light
I'll put his picture down and maybe
Get some sleep tonight

He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only one who's got enough of me to break my heart
He's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do
He's the time taken up, but there's never enough
And he's all that I need to fall into..

Drew looks at me, I fake a smile so he won't see.

- - - - -

mao ra ni for today... just miss writing something sa ako blog. gutom na ko so i have to go home now. i'm starving. hehehe... belated happy easter (egg)!

Just thinking aloud

Today's the 23rd of February. I'm in front of my PC, staring blankly at the monitor. I've got lots of things in my mind. Unlike days ago, I used to not have the luxury of time to just think about anything while I was in "auto-in" (call center jargon, meaning on the phone taking calls). That was because I used to be on tier2 (another jargon, meaning I get to receive the bulk of the call volume compared to tier4 & 6), which I was able to survive for SEVERAL MONTHS. At least now, I'm back to tier4 I guess. More avail time means more time to relax from talking with letters "a," "b," "c," "f," etc. (e.g. "a" is for ass*****).

= = = = = = change topic = = = = =

Weeks ago, I got a text message from Carenne (one of my beAstfriends, kapamilya, kapuso, kachuva-ek-ek). She told me: "Hoi! I read your blog. Although you're now better in expressing your thoughts, your (English) grammar has deteriorated."

Ok. That's an ouch! Hahaha... but really, I appreciate her telling me that. That was a very honest comment coming from a real friend. Thanks Ca :)  I believe I need that to make gising myself (hahaha... I can't even find the approriate words to use... so cono... ew!).

Although I knew she was just trying to cheer me up with her humour, I was kinda embarrass. I took journalism as my major subject in college. And that made me sooooo... un na nga, embarass. Hehehe... tsk tsk tsk...

Good thing I brought with me my Elements of Style booklet. I think it's necessary for me to review what I've learned before. The problem is, I'm lazy. Can I just swallow the pages and make sure I get those lessons stick into my brain?

= = = = = = change topic = =  = =

I'm already excited going back home. My sis is about to graduate from college this coming March. That's barely less than a month from today. Got several plans what to do. I hope (crossing my fingers) 'll be able to take at least 5days off from work. Wish ko lang :) I'm planning to visit Mafia and Mama Jace, and also Carenne and Twit2x. Missu u guys so much. Charing!

= = = = = = change topic = = = =

And speaking of my sis graduating from college, it just reminded me of some things. I've turned 23 last January. My sis is about to turn 21 (?), my little bro into 18 (?). Huhuhuhu... While I'm happy coz our parents have raised us properly bisan lisod japon mi financially, the thought that we're all grown ups somehow saddens me. Weird, i know. Dli na babies ako mga manghod. 

Songs of a Wounded Heart

This song always reminds me of someone very special, who although invisible from my sight but is always present in my heart. Some things are may be just not meant to happen.

SHE'S ALWAYS A WOMAN TO ME by Billy Joel

She can kill with a smile
She can wound with her eyes
She can ruin your faith with her casual lies
And she only reveals what she wants you to see
She hides like a child,
But she's always a woman to me

She can lead you to love
She can take you or leave you
She can ask for the truth
But she'll never believe
And she'll take what you give her, as long as it's free
Yeah, she steals like a thief
But she's always a woman to me

CHORUS:
Oh--she takes care of herself
She can wait if she wants
She's ahead of her time
Oh--and she never gives out
And she never gives in
She just changes her mind

And she'll promise you more
Than the Garden of Eden
Then she'll carelessly cut you
And laugh while you're bleedin'
But she'll bring out the best
And the worst you can be
Blame it all on yourself
Cause she's always a woman to me
--Mhmm--

Bridge

CHORUS:
Oh--she takes care of herself
She can wait if she wants
She's ahead of her time
Oh--and she never gives out
And she never gives in
She just changes her mind

She is frequently kind
And she's suddenly cruel
She can do as she pleases
She's nobody's fool
And she can't be convicted
She's earned her degree
And the most she will do
Is throw shadows at you
But she's always a woman to me
--Mhmm--

... while this song here, reflects my heart's lamentation of having lost that someone.

ONE LAST CRY by Brian McKnight

My shattered dreams and broken heart
Are mending on the shelf
I saw you holding hands, standing close to someone else
Now I sit all alone wishing all my feeling was gone
I gave my best to you, nothing for me to do
But have one last cry

Chorus:
One last cry, before I leave it all behind
I’ve gotta put you outta my mind this time
Stop living a lie
I guess I’m down to my last cry

Cry......

I was here, you were there
Guess we never could agree
While the sun shines on you
I need some love to rain on me
Still I sit all alone, wishing all my feeling was gone
Gotta get over you, nothing for me to do
But have one last cry

Chorus:
One last cry, before I leave it all behind
I’ve gotta put you outta my mind this time
Stop living a lie
I know I gotta be strong
Cause round me life goes on and on and on
And on.....

I’m gonna dry my eyes
Right after I had my
One last cry

Chorus:
One last cry, before I leave it all behind
I’ve gotta put you outta my mind for the very last time
Been living a lie
I guess I’m down
I guess I’m down
I guess I’m down...
To my last cry...

My heart has a head of its own

inside a cramped net cafe... browsing thru the web... i'm among these strangers, who i bet got nothing to do with their lives. sadly, i'm one of them. well, i've got work later @ 2am. can you believe it, this is my first ever off from work that i went outside my "jail" (our apartment). like all these people around me, i'm in front of old PCs. trying to enjoy whatever we see online.

i'm starting to get soooo boring... duh! i've always been boring all my life. thanks to friendster, i got someone to tell this to.

ugghhh!!! sakit ako ulo. must be my headband. i'm tired of my life.

= = = = = =

i'm actually thinking about... hmmm... nothing. nothing serious. feb14. hahaha... they're you go. something to talk about. something to write about.

what's in it for me? unfortunately, nothing. i'll be on leave on that day. but definitely, not because i've got a date. that's totally impossible. bogus! although... hahay... masyadong obvious na pagsa-sour-graping ko.

i dunno. i just hate to think about it but here i am. i'm actually thinking about it. argghhh@!

i'm having a headache. this time, i know it isn't the headband.

Nostalgia

i was browsing through my friendster, jz trying to see who's cared to view my profile. hehe... i saw my sis' acct. missing home, i checked her acct, see wats new. saw her new pics during last January's alumni homecoming in our high school.

when i was in 4th year high, my sis was a freshman (back then, long time ago...hahaha...)i knew some of her classmates. looking at there pix, it made me think of my old high school friends (and... umm... classmates?). Ludelle, one of my closest friends in HS, invited me to join the alumni. i texted her twas way too impossible for me to go home to attend the tapok-tapok. i was in cebu, working my ass's off. taking in calls with all those, as useless, "utok bolinao" customers.

let's try to spare this article from all those ranting about me working in a call center. hehehe... let's not spoil the fun.

ok. let's go back to our alumni night. Ludelle told me that my ex-crush, Mr. Officer Pingul, was also there. Hahaha... i remembered those times. tsk tsk tsk... i remembered how silly i was back then. she told me HE is kinda taba already. i just did not know how taba he is.

but that was before. hmmm... those good old days that i only have to worry about assignments, projects, and some school stuffs. nothing so serious like working to earn. hehe... sweet nostalgia :)

Just another heartbreak

i met. i talked to him. we chatted. became friends. ended up as "lovers." ours lasted for more than i thought it will. i liked him. i loved him. i still do. but when can you say if enough is enough? and when is too much too much?

i never thought i could be as dumb as this. for me, it should have been an easy thing to take care of. it should have been an non-brainer. i shouldn't really waste my brain cells thinking what needs to be done.

i'm getting tired of hoping, wishing someday, somehow, he'll learn to love me, trust me, and treat me as someone who's for real.

how can i give my heart to someone who doesn't really give a damn about me? but i already did. i gave him my heart. and right now, i don't know if it's something i should regret about. i love him however you define love is.

but i can't blame him. it might have been, afterall, all my fault. it wasn't his fault to staying with me. he made it clear to me that he can't promise me anything. but here i am. i stayed. i hated him a lot. i loved him all the same.

but until when can i hold on to something "invisible?" til when can i hope for something impossible? til when can i love someone who doesn't love me enough to think i'm worth at least 60 seconds of his time.

which reminds me... it was my birthday then. i used to think that day was a very special day. that's my birthday afterall. that somehow exempted me from being a "spoiled brat." which means i can wish for whatever i want and have it. i asked him to call me. it was something he has never done before although we've been "together" for more than a year now. never done, and obviously will never do. he said "yes" because i forced him to say so. i waited for him to call me on my birthday even i knew that he would not call me. i hoped for some miracle to happen. i waited some more. but he never did.

how can i believe in him when i'm not even worth his time? how can i stay when i know he can't stay with me? how can i keep on loving someone when i don't even know his address because he's afraid i'm some freak who's gonna bomb his place? how can i keep on holding on when he hasn't promised me anything?

i wish this is just another heartbreak that i can laugh about after a recovery. hehe. just another heartbreak den.