[Chorus:]
I’m not a girl,
Not yet a woman.
All I need is time,
A moment that is mine,
While I’m in between.

isn’t this familiar? u bet. not much of Britney’s fan but this song has some sense. at least, for me. do u know about the so-called "quarter-life-crisis?"

a quarter is one fourth of a whole. or 25%. assuming that i will reach 100yrs in this lifetime, that means i have 2 more yrs before my 25th bday. hmm… is it amazing? i mean, the way how people count their days on earth.

but it’s besides my point. point is i don’t feel like i’m mature already to call myself a woman. but i can’t call myself a girl still because at this very point in my life, i know how to discern right from wrong (in some situations). and i can decide for myself (in again, some cases).

so i know i deserve a credit for being independent. i know i deserve a pat on my back being 50% mature to handle my life.

my father told me once, life isn’t a race. i’m still young. got lot of things to learn. life isn’t easy. just have to strive hard and be patient. ok… so i have to be patient. and to be patient, that means i have to wait. but for how long? a smart individual knows how long he’s got to be patient. i’m not trying to be a smartass. i’m trying to be smart coz bottomline is, i am on my own. no one can help me but me.

= = = =

by the way, got this email from a friend. nice article to reflect on.

It’s FUN being a GIRL…but being a WOMAN is even BETTER!!! Ü

A Girl sees her imperfections. A Woman celebrates her uniqueness.

A Girl looks in the mirror & obsesses about what’s wrong with her. A Woman checkd her reflection to confirm the fact that she’s looking her best. A Girl piles on makeup to hide her flaws; a Woman accentuates her best assets. Girls will ask how they look every 5 mins. Women are smart enough to know when it truly matters. Girls need to have every guy like them, even if they don’t like him. Women are suspicious of, & have no need form excessive flattery. A Girl will ride on & copy every fashion trend that comes along. A Woman already has her own personal style that she merely improves on with what’s new.

A Girl lives only for love. A Woman lives her own life even when in love.

A Girl leaves her schedule wide open & waits for a guy to call & make plans. A Woman makes her own plans, & if a guy calls, fits him into her plans if she can. Girls freak out if biys don’t return a phone call. Women are too busy to realize they hadn’t. Girls get into catfights to get a guy. Women stand back & let the guy do the choosing, knowing that if he’s smart, she will be picked. Girls want to control the men in their lives. Women know that if he’s truly hers, he doesn’t need controlling. Girls try to monopolize all their man’s time. Women know that a little bit of space makes ‘together time’ even more special!

A Girl dreams. A Woman makes it happen.

A Girl builds on the perfect image of success in her head. A Woman can’t wait to get there, & acts today to get 1 step closer to her goals. When faced with failure, Girls blame everyone but themselves for their shortcomings. Women own up to their mistakes & work to fix them. When asking for what they want, Girls expect others to read their minds. Women know that if they wait for you to ask, you might never get around to doing it. When faced with difficult tasks, Girls will need rescuing. Women discern that it’s time to step up & be the hero. A Girl will rest on her laurels. A Woman will top what she just accomplished by challenging herself to be better.

A Girl creates the drama that a Woman hates.

Girls are excitable & easily bored. Women long for the humdrum to cap off their hectic day. Girls gimmick to paint the town red & meet new, exciting people. Women do so to touch base with friends over dinner & a nightcap. Girls make mountains out of molehills. Women have better things to do with their time. Girls fan the flames of controversies. Women douse the unnecessary drama. Girls speak badly of other girls behind their backs. Women don’t feel threatened by other women & even sincerely compliment other women themselves. Girls gossip so they are in the loop. Women find other ways to bond with friends without hurting other people’s feelings.

Today’s the 23rd of February. I’m in front of my PC, staring blankly at the monitor. I’ve got lots of things in my mind. Unlike days ago, I used to not have the luxury of time to just think about anything while I was in "auto-in" (call center jargon, meaning on the phone taking calls). That was because I used to be on tier2 (another jargon, meaning I get to receive the bulk of the call volume compared to tier4 & 6), which I was able to survive for SEVERAL MONTHS. At least now, I’m back to tier4 I guess. More avail time means more time to relax from talking with letters "a," "b," "c," "f," etc. (e.g. "a" is for ass*****).

= = = = = = change topic = = = = =

Weeks ago, I got a text message from Carenne (one of my beAstfriends, kapamilya, kapuso, kachuva-ek-ek). She told me: "Hoi! I read your blog. Although you’re now better in expressing your thoughts, your (English) grammar has deteriorated."

Ok. That’s an ouch! Hahaha… but really, I appreciate her telling me that. That was a very honest comment coming from a real friend. Thanks Ca :)  I believe I need that to make gising myself (hahaha… I can’t even find the approriate words to use… so cono… ew!).

Although I knew she was just trying to cheer me up with her humour, I was kinda embarrass. I took journalism as my major subject in college. And that made me sooooo… un na nga, embarass. Hehehe… tsk tsk tsk…

Good thing I brought with me my Elements of Style booklet. I think it’s necessary for me to review what I’ve learned before. The problem is, I’m lazy. Can I just swallow the pages and make sure I get those lessons stick into my brain?

= = = = = = change topic = =  = =

I’m already excited going back home. My sis is about to graduate from college this coming March. That’s barely less than a month from today. Got several plans what to do. I hope (crossing my fingers) ‘ll be able to take at least 5days off from work. Wish ko lang I’m planning to visit Mafia and Mama Jace, and also Carenne and Twit2x. Missu u guys so much. Charing!

= = = = = = change topic = = = =

And speaking of my sis graduating from college, it just reminded me of some things. I’ve turned 23 last January. My sis is about to turn 21 (?), my little bro into 18 (?). Huhuhuhu… While I’m happy coz our parents have raised us properly bisan lisod japon mi financially, the thought that we’re all grown ups somehow saddens me. Weird, i know. Dli na babies ako mga manghod. 

i dunno if you’ve actually read my notes last time. i said that growing up makes my head ache. i always thought that i am a very patient person. i used to be as stubborn as a bull. i did not just give up without giving it a try. if ever i started on doing something, i did not just say i give up just because i have grown tired of it. i stayed. sometimes i won some of those battles. sometimes i ended up a loser, but so what? i tried.

— Growing old, I mean growing up, is such a headache.

— I think I can be a good teacher. May be I want to teach philo and english in my old high school.

— I think I’d rather look for another job than rot here in the call center.

— I’m tired.

"…ayon sa aking bolang kristal, kamukha mo si cinderalla noong sya ay uling pa…"

Disney Princess Cinderella

Although gentle and soft spoken, Cinderella has a keen intelligent sense of humor which she wisely keeps hidden from her cruel Stepmother and jealous stepsisters. Finding delight in her tiny animal friends, able to sing as she works, Cinderella has true dignity something her Stepsisters could learn a thing or two about. Despite moments of heartbreak and disappointment, Cinderella holds onto her hopes until goodness and beauty are rewarded and dreams that she has dreamed do come true.

click here if gusto mo mgpahula

… Home

yep… i went home last week of August. trying to "re-charge" myself. last time i got home twas May. i missed my family. missed sleeping. missed eating w/ my family. missed lutong-bahay. missed watching TV whole day. missed not worrying anything about work.

i spent the whole time at home. i did not go out with friends. i don’t think they’re still in gingoog anyway. besides, i really am a hombuddy. boringggggggggg… not exactly boring. slight lng.

my family’s doing fine. got lots of plans. my family has a lot of faith in me. it makes me happy and at the same time, sad, worried that i might not be able to live with their expectations… w/c brings me to my next topic.

… Me being the eldest

"Scientists have found that first-born children are smarter than their brothers and sisters. It appears they are more likely to succeed in business, too."

I am the eldest amongst 3 siblings. I’ve been a consistent dean’s lister when I went to college, and a full scholar since high school until I studied in XU. I took an online IQ test: results said I’ve got similar IQ with that of Bill Gates. Who doesn’t know Bill Gates? Duh!? Spell M-I-C-R-O-S-O-F-T!

Oh well, I’m actually talking about bullshits… sorry, but in my case, I don’t think this "statistics" includes me. (sad fact but it’s a fact… and fact is reality bites.)

USA TODAY asked Vistage, the world’s largest CEO organization, to survey its membership… Vistage received 1,582 responses, vs. 200 to 300 for previous surveys, says spokesman Tony Vignieri. Of those, 43 percent were born first, 23 percent born last and 33 percent landed somewhere in the middle.

May be I’m intelligent but not smart enough… I dunno. Define INTELLIGENCE. Ambot wla ko kabalo!!! I knew some friends of mine who are not actually the eldest in their family but they’re doing great. achievers i’d say. unfortunately, i’m a half-baked achiever.

guys… guys… guys… yaan nyo na akong mag-emote.

let’s skip this topic please… more or less, u’l know what i’l say anyway… (blah-blah-blah… roll eyeballs… deep sigh)

this one’s boring too. saonz pud! anyone interested to discuss anything about my lovelife? pls raise ur hands… (ok, tnx but no tnx) but nevertheless, i think i’ve got an interesting life, in a way that no one can actually decipher. not even me. i don’t know where i’m heading. wat an adventure! nyahahha…sumooo…

I remember someone told me, an old friend of mine, I could do more. Be more. But in this place that I am at right now, in this place that no one knows me, I’m just a nobody. Someone who is just like anyone else. Slowly, that dream of becoming someone is fading away. When I was a little kid, I used to dream of becoming a doctor. No, actually an engineer (unfortunately, later I found out numbers aren’t my thing). Or so, I thought I could be a great teacher.

However, when I went to college, I took development communication, which others often mistook for masscomm. People, alright, some people would ask me what makes it different with masscom. That’s one question I really hate to address. Well, i don’t have to quote some definitions from any book. Oh, please, let’s do away explaining this. I’m tired.

Okay… okay… let’s get back to the track. Yeah, and so I finished my degree in devcomm. I got my majors in development journalism. My parents, my family, my relatives, my friends (or some of my friends) were proud of me. I even graduated with honors. But it did not mean a thing to me.

So right now, in this place where I am at, I’m glad that no one knows me. At least, I don’t have to be that great just because I’d have to to prove that I truly deserve that honor.

See? My point is I’M BECOMING SO PATHETIC… A MEDIOCRE!

I used to dream big. I know I can do more. I know I can do so much more. But it seems that I’m becoming nothing at all.

I remember that piece I used to memorize:

"please hear what I’m not saying… don’t be fooled by me. don’t be fooled by the face I wear. coz I wear a mask. I wear a thousand masks. Masks that I’m afraid to take off. And none of them is me… pretending is an art that second nature with me. but don’t believe me… for God’s sake, don’t believe me."

… this is my favorite literary piece. This always reminds me that I should be strong despite some fallbacks. Or should I say, this reminds me to look strong, pretend to be strong in spite of my soul getting torn apart.

I don’t know what lies ahead. What seems to be clear before is becoming less and less lucent. My burning desire to reach my dreams is slowly fading away, turning into ashes, leaving me without anything else.

I know I can be more. I know I can do more. I should not stop believing that dreams can come true (nya… murag kinder… unsa? falling star?).

And so the infamous Gardo said, "cynical of becoming cynical."

I thank you. Bow.

Yesterday in the training room, we..ummm.. generally did nothing…i watched youtube, played bomber man/duck hunt. nothin serious. i saw on youtube Victoria Secrets’ 2006 catwalk chuva…the models are all hot. huhuhu…nainsecure ko kadali. watever… they seem so so unreal.. hahaha…

——-

jz this afternoon, i watched a korean film, Sad Movie… really, really sad. nag-abay jud kog tissue for my tears. so so sad… at first, you’d thought the movie’s funny with their usual character na mga "sadista" kaau… but actually, twas not.

the story revolves around the lives of 4 persons. the girl who’s got scar on her face, her sister who lost her boyfriend dahil namatay while on duty as a fireman, this guy nga gibulagan sa uyab who decided to pioneer a "separation agency" jz to keep his loved one, and this kid whose mother died coz of cancer.

my ged… naghilaka jud ko…

——-

and jz now, while looking on my stats (about work po), my ged… parang Valentine’s day uli. almost pula, which means bagsak. grrr… be kind to myself. iL remember that always. and by the way, i was late for 2mins sa office. grrr…watta da h*ll!

——-

life is beautiful and so am I (?)…

——-

and again, if you got time people, watch youtube.com ung link na nsa shoutout ko. twas great pramis…u wont regret it. jz proud of hving watched/heard a pinay in Tate na gifted og voice. ala Alicia Keys po….ummm..slash MYMP…i hate aliens still! i hate white people. kala nila sila lng me karapatan maging racist? aba? in fairness, i dont care about them, unless they give me saves evryday for my stats.

training for SUBP… a week of not taking in calls… whew! dats great ryt? it’s great, for the time being, but not ryt after the ptxt and all. ambot na lng. i’m trying to master the sleeping-w/-eyes-wide-open craft. i’m so sleepy. from my 6am to 3pm schedule, bigla na lng naging 10pm to 7am. now, i hope dli mabuang akong body clock cge adjust. don’t wanna think about work (let work think about me)… hehehe… nabuang na ang loco!

- - - - -

watching CSI most of the time when i’m home… i recently bought VCDs (Leonardo de Caprio’s The Beach and Ang Pagdadalaga ni Maximo Oliveros, Pinoy’s Brokeback Mountain version… kinda)

i bought The Beach out of curiosity. heard my friends talking about it. they said twas nice. well, after watching the film, i’d say that place in Thailand is such a paradise. great. but i still hate sharks. nevermind.

Meanwhile, Cinemalaya’s Ang Pagdadalag is an ok-lang rating for me. the movie’s fun. Nalingaw ko sa mga big brothers ni Maximo, the way they treat their "bayot" nga youngest. But Maximo’s relationship w/ the gwapo na policeman is blurry. Wla ko kasabot unsay naa sa ila. Fondness may be, but again, it was not established sa movie.

- - - - -

And for lack of something to write down, gi-copy na lng nko ni nga forwarded message… hehehe…nonsense!

Words Women Use:

1.) FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2.) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five Minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3.) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

4.) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!

5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6.) That’s Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7.) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you’re welcome.

8.) Whatever: Is a women’s way of saying F@!K YOU!

9.) Don’t worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking, ‘what’s wrong’, for the woman’s response refer to # 3.